Male Masturbation Euphemisms

A

• Abusing the wicked stick
• Adjusting the antenna
• Aiding and abetting a known felon
• Applying the hand brake
• Arguing with Henry Longfellow
• Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
• Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
• Audition your hand puppet
• Airing the orchid
• Auditioning the finger puppets

B

• Backstroke roulette
• Badgering the witness
• Barking up the wrong tree
• Bash the candle
• Basting the ham
• Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
• Being rough with the sex stick
• Be your own best friend
• Beat the bishop
• Beat the bologna
• Beat the dummy
• Beat the meat
• Beat the pud
• Beat the stick
• Beat up your date
• Bleed the weed
• Blow your own horn
• Bludgeon the beefsteak
• Bop the bologna
• Bop the bonzo
• Box the Jesuit Box with Richard
• Brushing up on your typing skills
• Buff the banana
• Bugger your hand
• Building upper-body strength
• Burp the baby
• Burp the worm
• Butter the corn

C

• Calling down for more mayo
• Calling in the secret service
• Caning the vandal
• Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
• Charm the snake
• Check for testicular cancer
• Cheese off
• Choke Kojak
• Choke the chicken
• Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
• Clamp the pipe
• Clean your rifle
• Cleaning out your account
• Clear the snorkel
• Climb the tree
• Closet Frisbee
• Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally
• Combing your hair
• Communing with nature
• Consulting with your silent partner
• Corral your tadpole
• Couch hockey for one
• Crank the love pump
• Crank the shank
• Crimp the wire
• Crown the king
• Crushing pop cans in the dark
• Cuddle the kielbasa
• Cuff the carrot

D

• Daisy-chaining
• Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath
• Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
• Date Miss Michigan
• Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
• Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
• Debugging the hard drive
• Defrosting the fridge
• Digital penile oscillation
• Discovering your own potential
• Distributing free literature
• Do handiwork
• Do it your way
• Do the janitor thing
• Do the white knuckler
• Doing your homework
• Drain the monster
• Dry humping the ottoman

E

• Eating grapes with the one-armed man
• Electing the President
• Engage in safe sex
• Exercise one's right Exercising your right to privacy

F

• Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love
• Feed the ducks
• Feeding bologna to the Smurfs
• Feeling your way around
• Fiddle the flesh flute
• Firing the pound gun
• Fishing with dynamite
• Fist your mister
• Five knuckle shuffle
• Flick your Bic
• Fling your phallus
• Flip the bishop
• Flipping your omelet
• Flog the bishop
• Flog the dolphin
• Flog the dong
• Flog the log
• Flog the mule
• Flogging the egg man
• Fly fishing
• Fondle your flagpole
• Free Willy
• Frost the pastries
• Frosting your maple bar
• Frying up the corndog

G

• Gallop the old lizard
• Gardening with the golden trowel
• Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
• Get a date with Slick Mittens
• Get the German soldier marching
• Get to know yourself
• Get your pole varnished
• Give it a tug
• Give your low five
• Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
• Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
• Go blind
• Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
• Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
• Go the blow
• Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
• Goose the gherkin
• Grease the pipe
• Greasing the three-legged cow

H

• Hand job
• Hard labor
• Have one off the wrist
• Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
• Hitchhike to heaven
• Hitchhike underneath the big top
• Hitting too close to home
• Hoisting your own petard
• Hold the bishop
• Hold the sausage hostage
• Holding your own
• Hone the cone
• Honk your horn
• Hosing down the driveway
• Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
• Hug the hog
• Hump your hose

I

• Investing in pork bellies
• Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

J

• Jack hammer
• Jazz yourself
• Jerk Jamby
• Jerk the gherkin

L

• Left to your own devices
• Letting the cat out of the bag
• Liquidating the inventory
• Locking the bathroom door
• Look for ticks
• Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne
• Lope the mule
• Love the Muppet
• Love's labors lost
• Lubricating the love monkey

M

• Make a foreskin cone
• Make instant pudding
• Make the bald man puke
• Making a cash withdrawal
• Making chowder with sailor Ned
• Making it up as you go along
• Making magic with leftovers
• Making soup
• Making the bald man cry
• Making the bread rise
• Making the world safe for democracy
• Mangle the midget
• Manipulate the mango
• Manual labor
• Manual override
• Master Bacon
• Meet Rosie Hancock
• Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
• Milk the lizard
• Milk the moose
• Milk the self
• Mount a corporal and four
• Much goo about nothing

N

• Nerk your throbber
• Null the void

O

• Oil the glove
• Onan's olympics
• One gun salute
• One man band
• One-night-stand with yourself
• Opening the flood gates

P

• Pack your palm
• Paddle the pickle
• Paint the ceiling
• Paint the pickle
• Painting the flag pole
• Painting the picket fence
• Palm the calm
• Paying at the turnpike
• Peel the banana
• Perform diagnostics on your man tool
• Pet the lizard
• Pip the pumpkin
• Play a little five-on-one
• Play a one-stringed guitar
• Play in a one-man show
• Play peek-a-boo
• Play pocket pinball
• Play pocket pool
• Play tag with the pink torpedo
• Play the skin flute
• Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
• Play Uno
• Playing it safe
• Playing the one-stringed melody
• Playing the single-string air guitar
• Plugging in the toaster
• Plunk your twanger
• Polish Percy in your palm
• Polish the family jewels
• Polish the helmet
• Polish the rocket
• Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
• Polish the sword
• Pound off
• Pound the bald-headed moose
• Pound the pud
• Pound your flounder
• Pounding the fence post
• Prepare the carrot
• Prime the pump
• Pull rank
• Pull the bologna pony
• Pull the carrot
• Pull the goalie
• Pull the pole
• Pull the Pope
• Pull the pud
• Pull your own leg
• Pull your taffy
• Pulling your own weight
• Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap
• Pump the python
• Pump the stump
• Punch the clown
• Punch the munchkin
• Putting your best foot forward
• Putting your foot down
• Putting your thumb in the porridge

R

• Raining on your parade
• Ram the ham
• Relishing your hot dog
• Riding the five-legged pony
• Roll your own
• Rolling it off the lot
• Romeo and himself
• Rope the pony
• Rope the Pope
• Rub one out
• Rub the pink eraser
• Rubbing Buddha's tummy
• Run off a batch by hand

S

• Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
• Safest sex
• Sailing the mayonnaise seas
• Saluting the general
• Sampling the secret sauce
• Sand wood
• Scour the tower of power
• Scraping the bottom of the barrel
• Scratch the itch
• Screwing your courage to the sticking place
• Secret handshake
• Self abuse
• Self-induced penile regurgitation
• Sex with someone you really love
• Shake hands with Abe Lincoln
• Shake hands with the midget
• Shake hands with the unemployed
• Shake hands with your John Thomas
• Shake hands with your wife's best friend
• Shake hands with Yul Brynner
• Shake the sauce
• Shake the sausage
• Shake the snake
• Shaking hands with Dr. Winky Shellac the shillelagh
• Shemp the hog
• Shift gears
• Shine the helmet
• Shine your pole
• Shoot for the moon
• Shoot putty at the moon
• Shoot the airplane
• Shooting yourself in the foot
• Shuck your corn
• Sizing things up
• Slam the ham
• Slam the salami
• Slam the salmon
• Slam the Spam
• Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
• Slap it
• Slap pappy
• Slap the carrot
• Slap the clown
• Slap the donkey
• Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol
• Slap the salami
• Slapping Johny on the back
• Sling the jelly
• Smack the salami
• Smiting the pink knight
• Snap the monkey
• Snap the rubber
• Snap the whip
• Solo flight
• Solo marathon
• Solo sex
• Spank Elvis
• Spank the bishop
• Spank the frank
• Spank the monkey
• Spank the salami
• Spank the wank
• Spanking the rooster
• Spending your Christmas bonus
• Squeeze the cheese
• Squeeze the juice
• Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
• Squeeze your cheese-dog
• Squeezing the happy lumberjack
• Stewing in your own juices
• Stinky pinky
• Stir the batter
• Stir the yogurt
• Strain the main vein
• Straining your cabbage
• Stretching the truth
• Strip-mining with the spaghetti man
• Stroke the carrot
• Stroke the mole
• Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
• Stroke the satin-headed serpent
• Stroke your poker
• Stroke your Twinkie
• Strumming the one-string harp

T

• Take matters into your own hands
• Take part in population control
• Take the fifth
• Take the monster for a one-armed ride
• Taking a few practice shots
• Taking a load off
• Talk quietly to yourself
• Tame the shrew
• Taunt the one-eyed weasel
• Teaching the Cyclops the lambada
• Tease the weenie
• Tenderize the tube steak
• Tending to your own affairs
• Test your batteries
• That crazy hand jive
• Thrash your thing
• Thump the pump
• Thump your thong
• Tickle the ivory
• Tickle the pickle
• Tickle the taco
• Ticklewigglejigglepickle
• Tipping off the inspector
• Toss the snag
• Toss the turkey
• Toss yogurt
• Tug the slug
• Twang the wire
• Tweak your Twinkie
• Twist your crank

U

• Unleashing the alabaster yak
• Unloading the gun
• Unpacking the moving van

V

• Varnish the flagpole
• Varnishing the banister
• Visiting with Papa Smurf

W

• Wake the dead
• Walk the dog
• Walk the plank
• Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes
• Wallowing in self pity
• Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel
• Wash the meat
• Wax the Buick
• Wax the carrot
• Wax the dolphin
• Waxin' n' Milkin'
• Whack it
• Whack the weasel
• Whack Willy
• Whip the dummy
• Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
• Whip the one-eyed worm
• Whip the rat
• Whip the stiff
• Whip the wire
• Whip up some sour cream
• Whip your dripper
• Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
• Whittle the stick
• Wiggling your walrus
• Windsurf on Mount Baldy
• Wonk your conker
• Work things out
• Working at your own speed
• Working late at the office
• Working up a foamy lather
• Working without Annette
• Wrestle the dragon
• Wrestle the eel
• Wrestling with the bald champ
• Wring out your rope
• Wrist aerobics

Y

• Yank the crank
• Yank the yo-yo
• Yank your plank